Whatever was happening appears to have stopped….

CD32…11dpo
I’ve not given up hope completely (mostly) but I think that probably the betaHcG won’t register much on Tuesday next week…
My blood sugars have suddenly gone up, and all of the previous symptoms have disappeared
I’m feeling a bit sad but I can’t even be heart broken, all of this has knocked the stuffing out of me over the years.
blah

No news is good news right?

Cd30…9dpo….
Still running lower than average, bit of wind
not much of anything else
*madly touches wood no-pre period tummy ache though

If strength of desire could will this into being I’d have a child in about 8 months, pleeeeeeeease let this be

Day 6 in the OperationStork8 house…

CD28… 7 DPO
All quiet on the western from it would seem… still feeling mildly nauseous (nerves?) and a little bit heartburney (again nerves?) most of the gas has gone.
I am pretty much climbing the walls with the waiting for the other boot to drop, one way or the other :/
I kind of love and hate that my Type 1 gives me that extra extra early, but totally mis-interpretable, sign that somethings going on (or has done on the the previous stork1-7 operations).
If I was ‘normal’, if I didn’t have any of this shit going on (T1, PCOS?, APS) the first I’d really know (or even care) about all this would be when my period never showed or I started running to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth at the smell of my daily early morning coffee.
Still got weird extra mucus, and my boobs do feel odd, not really sore, just odd…(PMS?)
I still have an ache across my pelvis, it’s not agony, just uncomfy sometimes (PreAF?)
My low BG’s have possibly stopped too which is not encouraging… or maybe not, maybe I just didn’t bolus enough for the fried breakfast (which has laid like a lead weight in my tum all daaaaaY) I dunno, I’m over analysing anything and everything really.
I want some one to grab me and shake some rationality into me or better still PROMISE me it’s all going to be fine and make sure that it is.

The madness of Limbo continues….

CD27…6DPO?
So since yesterday I have mostly been:
testing my bloodsugars, blitzkrieg style in an attempt to catch them out, but nope still running lower than average (lowest 3.2mmol/highest 9.8mmol);
pondering if the periodic nauseousness/very mild heartburny feeling is nerves or hormonal;
wondering if there is any significance to the fact that I can smell Butler’s coaltar soap all over the house, not just in the bathroom;
examining cervical mucus with the fervour of a scientist on the brink of a cure for something;
expelling wind… like an active geyser;
crying;
feeling a bit sore across my pelvis;
poking my boobs;
squirming at a sharp pain in my lower back then recriminating myself for heaving a large bakset of logs into the house;
and…
most embarrassingly…
squinting at a HPT I know I shouldn’t have used :/

Lawks! Insanity has moved in and refuses to leave.
I should do something, anything but I feel like a rabbit in the headlights.
I am so damn afraid of the what if’s… previous experience has been a hard, cruel teacher.

Up, down and silently screaming every second…

CD26,
Symptom spotting like a MOFO!
I hate what INF has done to me, the limbo between knowing in your gut and the test finally catching it’s ass up… should be exciting, no? That elusive positive should be joyful, Not filled with fear and dread? Mo over at Mommy Odyssey hit the nail on the head with her recent post ‘The grief still remains‘ and this comment “a baby is a baby once the hope of it begins in your heart”, she describes what this is like much more eloquently that I could ever dream of. What am I going to do?

I am pretty damn sure about this now though, 4 days of consistently low sugars (confirmed by the DOC (diabetic online community as a tell tale sign)), I am so full of ‘wind’ that my intestines feel like I am directly tapped into the gas main, both ends and hiccups too, I am crying at the drop of a hat and today peanut butter on toast made me screw up my face, but I loooove peanut butter!! oh and my boobs are really quite sore. This could all be in my head, this could all be PMT couldn’t it (except for the blood sugars… that’s weird) and as much as I want to feel smug and know that I’m growing my little snafoo in there all I can think is ‘what if I am? I wonder how long we’ll get this time…’ How is that even remotely normal?
I have even pee’d on an OV test (which was quite positive as it happens) I am going slightly potty after promising myself I wouldn’t. Please whatever deity is listening please, please, pleeeeeeeease, I know I’m not really religious but I cannot take this I need something, someone to help me pleeease. I also need to stop playing the Linkin Park song waiting for the end… over and over in my head.

CD….24!!!! What the Hell is going on?

Everything is wrong…. but Operation Stork8 is GO GO GO!

I shouldn’t have vag gold (elphie) this early in a cycle!  I’m pretty sure I can pin point exactly when my ovary blew, urgh I FELT it oooooooch! and which one it was.
What makes me almost positive that I ovulated, is the rapid non-sensical rise in my bloodsugars which then remained resistant to all efforts to lower them (under normal circumstances this lasts til I bleed), for approx 2 days, TWO days!?…1 before and one after… *nudge nudge wink wink, we only had one last ditch opportunity to make it count after we FINALLY got rid of our last Xmas houseguest.

So Anyway…
Yesterday at about 3pm in the afternoon my sugars bottomed out and I cannot cram my face with enough carbs to keep them up (ok slight over exaggeration for literary purposes, but still I’m hypoing AAAAAAAAA LOT). Now without getting ahead of myself toooooo much, this only happens, this always and only happens for me, pretty rapidly after the little guys hook up in there *blinks….. *blinks again, looks like last ditch might have won again LOL.

I’m probably going to be proven an idiot now, or perhaps we won’t even make 4 wks even if we have cracked Stork8 but for now I reckon my bodies doing something other than prepping for Aunt Flo, at least for the time being that is. This is going to be a loooong 2WW *gulps

I’m not particularly religious, but if you read this and can spare a thought or put in a word for me I’d be real grateful

Crappy blood sugars, self medication and potential miracles…

CD 27
So I have completely ignored they A*shat at the clinic and am self medicating with a low dose aspirin, bearing in mind that before TTC (when I stopped all the ‘recommended’ meds for T1′s), the GP’s were trying to foist the very same drug on me for the ol’ diabetic complication prevention…ahem, ahem…(‘pharmaceutical pay bonuses’)…ahem!
*rolls eyes  OHHHHH the irony that now I can’t get them to give me the fracking prescription for love nor money it seems. I have been dutiful in informing everyone except the clinic that I am dosing my self though (well just incase).

I got my HbA1c over the phone from a well meaning idiot on Monday, it was and I quote ‘worryingly poor’ (no F*ckinsh*tdumbass!!), which further eroded my already pathetic self worth, I am concerned that at this rate the mountain is gonna topple over on me and finish the job off good and proper! By my workings out my HbA1c has jumped nearly a whole percent, because of that stupid 4 week insulin resistant crappy bloodsugared…. whatever it was last month!!! God damn you Type1 and your antics too. I mentioned ‘my workings out’ before, some…. bright spark! has only gone and changed the format for receiving HbA1c’s. Previously a percentage, if you gotta do it, it’s extremely simple, even I can see what and where to go with it, but to just go and change it and then give that info to, what is essentially, an educated parrot is beyond the mark I think. I mean how am I supposed to know what it means. As it happens google saved the day and brought me the shitty news that it had gone up…. alot
Moderate amount of weeping and wailing and a renewed desire to stomp the shit out of the D and PCOS and into submission !

On the self medication front:
I think we may have something going on it there *pokes tum
TMI ALERT!!!
I had a nutbuster of a belly ache last night, thought I was brewing a long vacation the the great white throne, but nothing happened, though I did have a nominal amount of Stretch Armstrong mucus. Thought no more about it as it never happens this early in a cycle *guffaw guffaw yet….
LO! This morning there was more and this time we had a teensy vein of dark pink I THINK WE MAY HAVE LIFT OFF, then again who frack knows with this body, I mean really?